I'm writing this for survivors.

For the ones who have had to silently process their pain, afraid to speak out because the person who abused them...assaulted them... is a beloved member of the community, and speaking out would mean subjecting themselves to scrutiny, more abuse, and deeper trauma.

I'm writing this for the ones who are still healing years later. Wondering when the wound won't hurt as much. Wondering why the people who are meant to uphold and protect, do more harm.

I'm writing this for the ones who realized years later that "This was rape." "That wasn't okay". "I didn't want that to happen." "They didn't listen to me."

I'm writing this for someone reading this now who is healing from the repercussions of speaking up. From the pain of weathering the storm, alone at times, in the arms of friends and the offices of therapists.

The reality of being a woman these days is healing from assault.

One of the common threads we share is the day our sense of safety was ripped away from us.

At varying degrees. I hate that we thought that assault could only happen once...but then you realize a lot of us have 3...4...5..10...stories.

Being threatened for saying no. Of being grabbed by the arm, shouting "You're hurting me!" and not being heard. Of our pleas being ignored. Of wondering..."Is this it? Is this where I die?" Of racing hearts on the last stretch home on a dark day, praying that we get home safe.

Of wondering who knows we live alone. Of praying that he will be a decent guy

...of equating decent with not being assaulted.

Of praying that he doesn't have a temper. Of hoping that when we speak up...we will be listened to. Of shedding tears of regret..."Why did I speak up?". Of wishing the pain would just stop. Of seeing perpetrators being loved, adored, celebrated...accepted. Of wondering why people are more enthusiastic about rehabilitating rapists and abusers than they are about the healing of survivors. Of the annoying looks we get, the ones laden with "You're not over it yet?"

To survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, street harassment, coercion, emotional abuse — any form of it.

I want you to know that you are seen. You are not alone in your battles. You are not alone in the pain, restlessness, or onboarding shame that doesn't belong to you. You have every right to fight it, be angry, hate it, and be mad.

You have every right to be mad.

Consider this your affirmation that you do not need to handle this graciously. Because there was no grace when you were violated. There was no grace when you were silenced. So you do not owe your abuser any grace. You do not owe the people who did not believe you any grace. Before someone comes and tries to shame you into forgiveness or moving on, shame them for being more concerned with how you handle your pain, as opposed to holding an abuser accountable. You were let down and you have every right to process that, accept it, and be hurt.

There is nothing put-together about recovering from this and only people who have been through it can tell you. The shock. The pain. The anger. I'm focusing on anger right now because it's the first thing we are told to rein in. We are shamed into being angry that a wrong was done to us. And from every experience I have had and seen in others, it has caused more damage.

Be angry until you have no anger left. That is when you know you can move on. Only you will know when your anger has finished. There is no right and wrong. People don't like to accept it but it's the truth.

I wish I had been angrier and I wish I'd fought for my anger. I wish I hadn't coddled people who hurt me. I wish I had allowed myself to unravel. I was fortunate enough to find spaces to do it, but a lot of it...I kept quiet in fear. Sometimes I still do now. So while I cannot fix it for myself, I can encourage you.

You owe no one graciousness in your fight for your life. Because that is what healing from abuse looks like. Fighting to believe in hope, in happiness, in love, in freedom, in a time where your pain does not wake you up. To take back what was taken from you? To become used to the new person you are and accept that the old you, the one that did not know the pain, the happier freer you, isn't there anymore.

But you can still bring parts of them into who you are now. And you'll learn to coexist with the pain. But this journey is work. It is grueling. It makes you angry. It makes you cry. It makes you cry out "WHY".

So no, the people who contributed to your pain do not get to demand forgiveness, graciousness, or closure. If you get to a point where you feel you want to...then do. on your terms. But for the time being, frankly, my dear don't even bother giving a f— about them.

When you are ready, you will know what to do with them. But for the time being...let that fire burn, baby.

Let it burn.

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