There is room for honesty in heartbreak.

After the initial shock has worn off and the overwhelm has settled, it’s important to sit down and take stock of everything that unraveled.

As the aggrieved party, it’s very easy to adopt an absolute perspective where you were the only one wronged and the other party is the villain. In a lot of instances, this can be true.

But there are situations where things aren’t as black as white. Where, before the eventual break, a lot of things transpired and you were responsible for some of them. This doesn’t mean you deliberately or willingly caused someone pain.

It also doesn’t mean you’re responsible for what you endured. No.

Let me use myself as an example. I know I have a tendency to wallow. When wronged, I am capable of absolving myself of any responsibility and believing that the one who hurt me is the only one to blame. In some instances, I was right.

But in more cases, I’ve discovered that I did play a part. I noticed things that set off alarms in my head and I ignored them.

I made excuses for the person and their questionable behavior and put off confrontation. You see that latter part? I did that a lot.

I put my safety and needs second to that person. Often out of fear of conflict or reaching a point of realizing, “This was it.”

And while I did have my reasons — fear, PTSD, angst, or belief that things would get better — I also realized that I prolonged my pain and gave offending parties more room to hurt me.

Taking stock of where you could have gone wrong isn’t an invitation for condemnation. And it doesn’t level the playing field. You’re not “just as bad as them”.

But, you can use this inventory check to learn how to do better the next time. How to spot the foolishness before you’re blindsided.

How to speak up because the freedom that comes with it outweighs the discomfort that comes with conflict.

How to remember what you do deserve and what to do when you’re not getting it.

Heartbreak is a sobering time, but it can also be a springboard for change. There’s no need to rush into this part of the process, however.

Let your grief take its course until you’re ready to move on to the next step. All in your time.